Sad Mums Blog (apparently)

There's an interesting article doing the rounds at the moment on how mothers who write blogs about being a mum are sad, lonely, boring losers who are oppressed by the hand of patriarchy and "duped into thinking the world exists in their tiny, safe, fragrant homes, that life revolves around burps".

The author (who makes pains to differentiate herself from bloggers by calling what she writes "art") bases her juvenile assumptions on the essentially pathetic nature of the mum; the idea that she is powerless, brainless, narrow-minded, self-obsessed and lacking motivation to get a "real job".

Allow me a retort.

One of the main criticisms this author seems to have is that women are staying at home to look after their children (shock! Horror!) and writing blogs. The point about blogging, and particularly blogs that earn money through advertising, is that women who choose to be mothers are no longer isolated, they are liberated by their laptops and able to communicate with other people who have the same worries, concerns, questions, and often, sense of humour. More than that, they are also contributing to their household income and not relying on their husbands to provide the daily bread, whilst raising their children. Never have I read a more anti-feminist argument.

What really gets my goat is this idea that mothers are a different species. We (if I can speak on behalf of mothers everywhere) are the same ambitious, energetic, spirited women we were before we had children. We've just had this monumental life change and sometimes feel the need to reach out to others in the same situation and say "this is crazy, huh?". I can't tell you (or if you're reading this maybe I don't need to) how reassuring it feels to discover that you're not alone. If you're not the type of person to rock up to a playgroup, plonk yourself down and tell the other mums that you're their new friend, having children can be an isolating and incredibly lonely experience. Reading the experiences of others, and perhaps writing about your own, is a way to feel connected and engaged with the world.

Of course blogs written by mums are going to talk about burps and colic and sleep patterns and breastfeeding: all the things I'm sure seem pathetically dull and insignificant to non-parents. But trust me, when you've had 2 hours' sleep in the last 48 and every time your baby cries it feels like someone is taking a cheesegrater to your eyeballs, finding a tip online on getting them to sleep for a few hours feels like you've just discovered the holy grail. These things are important. They are what our lives as parents revolve around, and yes; we are also aware of climate change, immigration and political unrest because we are the same people we were before!!!

I purposely haven't commented on the article itself as provoking a response is clearly the aim of the piece. And after all, I'm just a sad mum writing rubbish about nappies and tantrums; what do I know?

Read the original article here: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2231184/Free-You-blogging-mums-wear-Burkas.html#ixzz2C5u0rZ00

The Waiting Game

Exactly two years ago, I was approaching 36 weeks pregnant and nearly into my forth week of maternity leave. After consulting various websites and forums, and disregarding my doctor's frankly laughable suggestion that I finish work at 28 weeks, I'd decided that 32 weeks was about right to call it a day, work-wise. Although at the time it seemed really early, looking back I probably made the right decision. My commute to work was 45 minutes each way and my feet and ankles were permanently swollen. I wasn't sleeping and found myself watching the clock all day until I could go home and go to bed (yes, I used to go to bed at 5:30pm). More importantly, I'd grown out of all my maternity work clothes and there are very few professions in which an exposed, stretch-marked midriff is an acceptable look. Mine is not one of those professions.

So, I packed up my mug, accepted my colleagues good luck messages, activated my out-of-office and off I went.

And I waited....

... and waited....

...and waited...

My theory (based on no medical facts whatsoever) was that as soon as I'd finished work I'd probably have a couple of weeks getting the last few things sorted out for the twins' arrival and then they'd be here. Not so much.

As both my babies were head-down (cephalic), and as I'd had no problems during my pregnancy, my consultant was keen to wait it out for as long as possible so that I would go into labour naturally and avoid an induction/ possible c-section (those of you who have read my birth story post will know that I avoided neither of these in the end!). The earliest she wanted to discuss induction was 38 weeks, so I just had to wait.

Looking back on this time now, I really wish I'd have been better prepared for the waiting bit of maternity leave. I suppose I thought I'd be busy getting ready for the babies, sorting stuff out, buying things, and generally "nesting". Well, maybe I'm missing this particular gene, because once I'd folded and re-folded each tiny babygro 40 times there didn't seem to be an awful lot of romance in it. Of course there were tons of things that needed doing: painting the lounge, cleaning the windows, scrubbing the grout in the bathroom, putting things in the loft - all tasks I was completely unable to undertake due to the sheer size of me + full-term twins.

After some outings in the first few weeks of maternity leave I didn't even feel comfortable going out on my own. I could still drive (just about, and only an automatic), and I certainly didn't feel like I was going to launch into labour at any minute, but I was very aware of falling over, or worse getting stuck somewhere. On one memorable solo trip to the supermarket I arrived back at my car to find a van packed very close to the driver's side. Not only could I not fit through the gap, but I couldn't even get in the passenger's side and climb over because I couldn't bloody climb over! Instead I had to stand next to my car, embarrassed and fuming, waiting for the van driver's return.

The stares I got when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy were the main reason I stopped going out on my own. I was clearly enormous, and any fool could see that I was having more than one baby, but the general public are a great deal thicker than the average fool, so people would actually recoil in horror as I approached, presumably on the assumption that I'd swallowed an elephant and was just about to eat them too.

So I was huge, uncomfortable, bored to tears, frustrated, exhausted (although I soon learnt the true meaning of exhaustion when my babies were born). Here's how I should have spent my time:

• Watching films/boxsets that I've always wanted to see (whilst lounging on the sofa eating chocolates)
• Reading books that I've always wanted to read (the trashy and the "important")
• Cooking for the freezer
• Mastering a handicraft (I've since learnt to crochet which would have been a brilliant way of whiling away the hours)
• Having long phone/Skype conversations with family and friends
• Inviting people to visit
• Booking in helpers for after the babies' arrival
• Looking at useful/interesting things on the internet, rather than reading about twin birth horror stories and getting scared
• Putting all my photos in albums
• Packing a useful hospital bag (FYI: 3 pairs of knickers is not enough)
• Practicing with the pushchair and carseats (when we were finally discharged from hospital, we couldn't get the carseats out of the car)

All of the above would have diverted my energies from obsessing about the birth into much more healthy pursuits. I might also have seen all of Mad Men. Oh well....

Wednesdays

Hi, Twin-Dad here.  I thought I'd say a few words on Wednesdays.  Wednesday is a day when a lot of things generally go wrong.  And not by coincidence either.  You see, every week, Wednesday is the day when I have the twins on my own. It is the day when the standard of service to which the children are accustomed to receiving falls considerably, when laughter and squeals quickly turn to screaming and writhing around on the floor, and when the little terrors' anarchic tendencies appear at their strongest.

But whilst it seems that a lot of things go wrong on a Wednesday, I guess the purpose of this post is to remind and reassure myself that it's never really that bad.  That Dads might not be as utterly incompetent as they sometimes feel. In a year of 'doing Wednesdays', I've only had to dash to A&E once (I'll come onto that later), never had a visit from social services, and almost always ensured that the children are dressed, fed and watered before my wife comes home from a day's 'real work'.

My top tips for a Wednesday:

• Going out is better than staying in.  The time goes quicker and there is more distraction (and dare I say it, fun) to be had
• Stick to the same childcare routine as your wife.  (No I'm not under the thumb... much.  It's just a case of not messing with the body clocks of people so prone to complaining!)
• The more energy you put into playing with them, the less moaning they will do
• If you go out with them whilst wearing something comfortable (e.g. tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie), be prepared for people to give you looks which say 'get a job, and stop scrounging benefits off your kids'.  In this instance, just smile back. It's probably not worth mentioning that you work very hard at a job which includes weekends (hence why you are off today) and that you don't even watch Jeremy Kyle let alone intend to be on his show.
• (Linked to the above point) Don't be offended if people ask if you are a stay at home Dad - they often mean it in an admiring way
• Don't think of it as being a day off

And now some anecdotes:

The A&E story.  It wasn't that bad, and it was actually the minor injuries unit at our GP, so not 'proper hospital'.  Basically I had temporarily left the room for a few minutes.  The girl had been generally very upset at my wife leaving that morning, and I had finally got her calmed down in front of Timmy Time, so I took the opportunity of nipping upstairs to brush my teeth and get properly dressed (you know, those little luxuries).  I then heard a lot of crying again from the girl, so reluctantly trooped downstairs fully expecting there to be nothing really wrong, only to find her with a face full of blood, streaming out of both mouth and nose and splattered around the lounge.  After cleaning her up and getting to the aforementioned minor injuries unit, the receptionist asked me 'how did she do this?'  Now I felt that saying 'I don't know, I wasn't paying any attention' didn't quite sound right so I said that she fell into a glass table.  Anyhow, it must've sounded plausible enough because the social have never been in touch.  And the girl was fine.

I have many stories of leaving the house without the proper supplies (and on some occasions, no supplies whatsoever - getting the terrors into a car is sometimes so tricky that remembering anything else becomes impossible), but no blog post would be complete without a talking about child poo.  The most challenging situations I have encountered have been during the phase where the boy takes his nappy off before he's about to do a poo and, once again, I've not been paying enough attention.  On more than one occasion, by the time I've noticed, there are several surfaces to clean in addition to the boy himself - which is made more tricky by the fact that I don't seem to have a free arm to steer the girl away from the poo - and usually the result is that a lot of things go into the washing machine 'just in case'.

But if scrubbing a whole heap of poo from a fabric sofa cushion is the worst thing to do during my 'day off', bizarrely I find myself thinking 'I'll take that'.

Things I never thought I'd say

Here's a list of ridiculous things myself and my husband have said over the last 2 years, or heard others say to their children, or things I imagine have been said by a mum at some point. Please do add your own gems in the comments box!

• (Me to my twins) "Stop working as a team!"
• (Overheard in a supermarket) "If you don't stop it, it's chicken and pesto!"
• "No thank you, I don't need any help... but could you just tuck that teddy/changing mat/dirty nappy under my chin?"
• "What is it? A bogey? Just wipe it on mummy's skirt, darling"
• (Me to my son) "If you headbutt me again you're going on the step". Like one headbutt is acceptable??!
• (Me to my husband) "What do you mean 'is it clean?', I have no idea! Sniff it!"
• "Is that chocolate, or poo?"
• (Me to my son, again) "Stop headbutting the floor"
• "Oh look: you're naked!"
• "Oh good: you've both got your socks on your hands now"
• (A mum in a playground to her child on top of the climbing frame) "If you don't get down right now, Christmas is cancelled!"
• (My husband to our son) "How clever; you've taken your nappy off. Again."
• (My husband to me at 6am) "We've had a lie-in!"
• (Me to a total stranger in Starbucks) "Excuse me, could you just hold this for me?" *hands stranger a baby*
• (Fellow twin mum after hers had both sat in a puddle) "Right, well you're going home naked then"
• (My husband through sleep-deprived bleary eyes) "I just can't imagine them being awake and not crying"
• (Me whilst changing a dirty nappy and trying to hold the other twin back from crawling into it) "Your brother's poo is not a toy"

The Twin Heptathlon

My twins have invented a new game this week. I'm not sure what it's called, or what the rules are, but it involves taking off your shoes and socks, replacing the socks on your hands, and then charging about the house as fast as possible, whilst squealling. In many ways this game is a follow-up to the equally popular "trying to fit in the pots and pans cupboard and close the door" game that enjoyed much popularity over the summer. In fact, it's entirely possible that my twins have been inspired by the herculean efforts of Jessica Ennis and are aspiring to be heptathletes in their own twin-version of the sport. Other events in the twin heptathlon appear to include: throwing teddies into each other's cots, diving off the side of the sofa head-first, jumping on Mum's caesarean scar, and pushing each other off a small block onto a cushion.

I'm definitely currently in the phase where having twins is starting to pay off. They really do entertain each other, and I never have to think "what am I going to do with them next?" Even in really small ways it's very useful that they always have each other. It means that when I'm running around the house in the morning getting ready for work I can leave them at the breakfast table to go and get dressed without the sad, forlorn image of a lonely child left on their own. Charging around the supermarket carpark trying to find a two-seater trolley (impossible, by the way. Shop online) is less guilt-inducing because they are happily having a chat in the car in their own language.

You might not believe it, but in many ways having twins is easier than two children close together. Yes, initially you have two newborns to deal with, but you don't have a newborn and a two-year-old trying to stuff jelly babies up its nose. The thing with having a second child is that you usually decide to have the second when it becomes obvious that the first needs a playmate, but of course the problem is that it's well over a year into child number two's life before they can be any use to you as such. Up until then you're basically keeping them apart, constantly telling off your older child for fiddling with, waking up, and generally annoying your new baby. And when they not doing any of those things they're leaving tiny bits of toys all over the place for the baby to swallow.

I'm trying (and failing) to remember when my twins started to entertain each other. At first, all you're trying to do is get them to interact and getting frustrated, because young babies will look pretty much anywhere other than at the thing you're pointing at them. I've definitely got a photo of the two of them in bumbos looking quizzically at each other as if one is interviewing the other on Newsnight. When they started pulling themselves up to standing they really enjoyed facing each other and pulling faces. I heard a really lovely story from a mum whose identical twins did a double-take when they noticed each other for the first time!

The challenges of having twins are well-documented (mainly by know-it-all twin mums like myself), but the benefits of having twins are numerous. Not least, having a constant playmate means that you don't have to invite other people's horrible children over just so that your child has someone to play with.

Working 9 til 5

My colleague received a phone call this morning. Whilst eavesdropping I deduced that it was her child's nursery informing her that said child had had an accident and she was to come and collect him. The word "hospital" might have been mentioned, although I couldn't lean over any further to hear what was going on without the risk of tipping back on my wheelie chair. As she hung up she made a funny gasping noise, and then (horror of horrors) burst in tears. Now, I'd like to think that I'm a fairly compassionate person, but I'm afraid when something like that happens all I want to do is laugh and feel mortally embarrassed. Well, I'm proud to say that I didn't laugh, I held it together and offered a sympathetic arm-rub in a hopefully-comforting fashion.

I'm not sure what the upshot of all this was (I'm going to assume that the wee terror had their head examined by some sort of brain expert and was declared fighting fit), but it does highlight one of the many challenges of going back to work after you've had children. Here's a list of random points, advice and stuff I wish I'd have known about The Return from Maternity Leave:

• There are basically 3 options for childcare: nursery, childminder, family
• When you are looking for childcare, start with friends and family and find out what they do. Are they happy with their choice? What do they wish they'd done differently?
• Speak to your employer as soon as possible about your hours when you return, but don't worry too much about this. Most importantly secure your child/children a place wherever you want them to go. Exact hours can be sorted out afterwards
• There is quite often a "chief childminder" in your area who can give you the names and contact details of those childminders who have spaces available
• Visit every nursery or childminder you are considering and ask LOADS of questions
• Be selective. If you are not happy about something, or you don't get a good feeling, go and look somewhere else
• Don't feel pressured into making a choice
• Bear in mind that you will pay for childcare even if you are on holiday!
• If you are only need childcare during term time you may still have to pay a reduced amount over the school holidays as a retainer
• Ask for discounts! Negotiate! Ask that they include meals in the price
• Have a back up plan in case your childminder is sick, otherwise you're going to have to take the day off
• Think about whether you want your childcare to be close to work, or close to home
• If you're going to have several people collecting your children you need to have car seats in all their cars
• Register for childcare vouchers - basically part of your salary (up to £243 per month) goes straight to your childminder/nursery before tax. Both parents can register and pay in this way
• If you have twins you will basically be paying double for childcare (possibly with a slight discount if you negotiate). Everyone who has 2 children has to pay this for childcare - the only difference is that you pay for it all upfront!
• If you are deciding whether or not to go back to work you need to weigh up the soft options (a route back to sanity) as well as the hard options (cold, hard cash)
• Ask your childminder to keep nappies/wipes/spare clothes/drinks bottles at their house so that you don't have to take a bag every day
• Beware of nurseries that charge you if you are late to collect your children. If you have a job where you could frequently be delayed you might need a more flexible option
• If you have a random day off, and you've already paid for childcare, for goodness sake drop them off and go and have a nice day to yourself!

Overall, my advice is don't feel guilty if you enjoy going back to work. It's lovely to feel like a real person again, to have proper conversations with adults, walk around without shoving a pushchair, and don't get me started on the utter heaven that is drinking a hot cup of tea from start to finish. At first you will probably feel like you've had one of your arms cut off, which is perfectly normal after having a baby (or two) attached to you for up to a year, and of course you will miss them, but I firmly believe that I'm better at my full-time job of mummying by having a part-time job as well.

Perfecto-Mums and Hot Moments

You know those mothers who just look absolutely comfortable and totally in control? They glide along with their light-as-a-feather pushchairs (complete with stylish, yet educational toys), all slim, with casually-styled shiny hair and flimsy scarves. Effortlessly popping in and out of shops whilst holding a soya latte, stopping for a chat with a fellow perfecto-mum on their way to an organic baby massage class.

Now look over to the other side of the street. You see that hot-mess of a mother with the pushchair that looks like a cross between a tank and a train? The one with sweat streaming down her face, tugging at the hem of her too-short top that keeps riding up to reveal a saggy, stretch-marked stomach that looks like an empty hold-all? That's me, that is.

As a twin mum I have realised quite a few things about myself over the last 20 months or so. I can get myself and 2 toddlers ready for work/childcare in under an hour. I can lurch from red fury to convulsed in hysterics depending on my twins' mood. And I will always, always look just a wee bit chavvy pushing a pushchair. This is a fact. I don't know if that's because the pushchair is twice the size and trickier to manoeuvre, so it always tends to look like a bit of a struggle, or whether the chances of both twins sitting there contentedly are fairly slim and therefore I have more "hot moments" than a mum of a singleton.

A "hot moment", by the way, is a term coined by my sister (or my mum, can't remember) which perfectly describes how you feel when you are in public and you are wishing with all your might that you were in private. A good example is taking your baby to the weigh-in: essentially you sit around with other mums and their babies until your number is called, you strip you baby off and place him/her onto the scales, find out the new weight and it's all written in a little red book. Simple. Except when all the other babies are peacefully asleep in their perfecto-mums' arms and yours is screaming his face off, you're wearing a winter coat that you can't take off because there's nowhere to put the baby down, and then he does a massive poo on the scales. Hot moment. Weigh-in with twins? Double hot moment.

Maybe it's other people that make me feel like a mess rather than a perfecto-mum when I'm out with my twins. I do get pitying glances and comments that people think I can't hear (I've had twins, I'm not deaf ...and by the way you're standing a foot away from me). The first time I went out on my own with my babies they were probably around 4 weeks old. I'd planned the trip carefully in-between feeds, got them into the car, driven to a shopping centre, proudly parked in the parent and child section and transported them inside in their pushchair. As I was going through the entrance a woman passed me, turned to her friend and said "poor cow". It stopped me in my tracks a bit because I thought I was doing really well up until then. The twins were both asleep for goodness sake! How could it possibly have looked like I was struggling?! I've also overheard comments about my pushchair - someone once loudly declared it a "monstrosity", whilst another nudged her friend and said "look, there's a double pushchair" to which she replied "yeah, but LOOK at it!" (By the way, it's a Baby Jogger City Select and it's brilliant).

I think when you have twins you have to accept that it's quite a different experience to having a singleton. Yes, your pushchair might not be the most elegant, there will usually be at least one baby crying, your tummy will never be the same and you can't get into some shops, but I'm fairly sure most people in the street are looking at you with wonder and awe. Just the way I look at mums of triplets.

Calamity and the Twin Mum

I've managed to get myself into a few unfortunate situations recently, so I thought I'd share and hope that I can trust you all not to go to social services.

I locked myself out of my house. With my children locked inside. I was putting a bin bag into the outside bin and the front door slammed shut behind me. The twins were at the dining table having their lunch (well, throwing it around) and suddenly I found myself outside, with no keys and no shoes. Of course I did what everyone does when they're locked out; I pushed pathetically on the door in the vain hope it would open. It didn't. So I had to go to my neighbour's house (who I'd never properly met before), explain the situation and ask to jump over her fence. In the end, she volunteered her husband who jumped over the fence into my garden, went through the patio doors (nodding at my startled children still sitting at the table) and opened the front door for me. Humiliating? Yes. Mortifying? Yes. Great.

In a separate and equally horrifying circumstance, I've also recently locked my children in the car. With the car keys. This all came about because I've developed a rather irritating habbit of opening the car and throwing the car key onto the passenger seat while I get the children into their carseats. I duly carried out this little ritual when I collected my children from the childminder, but must have pressed the lock button before throwing the key onto the front seat. So, when the twins were safely in their seats, I slammed all the doors shut, locking them and the keys inside. Panic stations! I had to borrow a phone (because mine was locked in the car), call my husband who was thankfully at home, and get him to drive to the childminder's with the spare key. The worst thing about this particular stunt was the look on his face when he arrived. I think wonder and dispair sum it up. Brilliant.

These unfortunate situations have made me think about the stuff I did to the twins when they were younger - including dropping curry on one baby when I was desperately trying to shovel some dinner down whilst feeding, getting another baby soaking wet (and not realising) when they were in a sling and I was trying to wash up, and slicing the top off my son's thumb the first time I tried to cut his nails (he screamed for about an hour).

Great comfort can be found by telling myself that they're not going to remember any of this, but as they approach 2 years old I know that my window is closing. I'd really better stop doing stupid stuff.

One Pair of Hands: Two babies. Practical tips on looking after twins

In the "coping with twins" section of my brain is quite a bit of practical information and advice I wish I'd been given before I gave birth. Here's my attempt at extracting it from the grey mists and putting it down in writing:

Breastfeeding twins: use a triangular pillow and the "football hold", so that you've basically got a head at each boob and their bodies under your armpits. You'll need someone on hand to pass you each baby at first, but before long you'll be more used to handling them. Of course you can feed each baby separately, but just bear in mind that this means each feed will take twice as long. If you're also trying to express in between feeds as well this means you're pretty much feeding quads!

Bottlefeeding twins: sit on the floor, back to the sofa, with a baby facing you on either side. You can put them in bouncy chairs, car seats or on bean bags - as long as they are propped up a bit. You'll be more comfortable if each seat is about the same height and won't get "arm shudder" halfway through. Make sure you've got everything you need (muslins, infacol) before you start and the TV is on something decent. The number of times I've got myself all set up and then realised I'm stuck watching Police, Camera, Action, or a DVD that has finished so I have to sit watching the credits. I would go for a box set of something gripping, so that you're actually looking forward to the next feed. It's quite likely that this process will be a bit messy at first and you haven't got a spare hand to catch the dribbles. I would put a muslin around the baby's front, and then a bib with a spongy dribble-catcher cushion (Tommy Tippee, I believe) over the top to soak up the excess.

Burping twins: with either method you will probably need to get some wind out of each twin after a feed. I would sit one as upright as possible while you wind the other, and then swap. One of your babies might be able to bring their wind up on their own if they are sat upright, which is awfully handy. With mine it was quite often a race to get baby 1 to burp before baby 2 started screaming or being sick. If one baby finished their bottle before the other I was able to slide my arm under them, lean towards them and get them onto my shoulder, whilst keeping the other bottle in the other baby's mouth. It can be done; just takes practice and you'll get lots of that.

Picking up twins: I don't think there are many times when you really need to pick up both babies at once. Your job is not necessarily to get them to stop crying as quickly as possible, and actually if you leap up to comfort them straight away they will get used to this and expect it every time. Twins need to get used to self-settling and to do that you need to let them cry a bit and not pick them up at every whimper. Personally I used dummies to calm them down and get them settled so that I was able to carry on with all the cleaning, sterilising, expressing, washing, organising and sorting stuff out I had to do. Often I was in the middle of doing something in the kitchen when they started crying and I'd always stop and ask myself whether it was of greater benefit to drop what I was doing and go to them, or carry on because whatever I was doing was invariably for them. Quite often by the time I'd finished what I was doing and went to settle them, they were already asleep again.

In the house with twins: having various places to put babies down is really useful as you move around the house - cots, moses baskets, your bed, the sofa, bean bags, bouncy chairs etc. In the early days, however, don't feel like you've got to take them everywhere with you. Set up base camp (in the sitting room, for example) and keep returning to them when necessary. Spending time elsewhere will really help your sanity! I did have one baby who was very unsettled in the early days, so if I desperately needed to empty the washing machine I put her in one of those cloth baby-carrier thingys and got on with it. The motion usually got her to sleep more or less immediately. Word of warning: don't do the washing up with a baby on your front. They get really wet.

Transporting twins: carrying two carseats isn't ideal, but this is pretty much how I got from front door to car, and from car to wherever I was going in the early months. I reckon I was able to carry both seats until my twins were around 9 months old or so, but please don't feel that you've got to take them everywhere together. This "never leave your child unattended" business doesn't really apply to twins, so it's fine to leave one in the house while you take the other to the car. Just make sure you've got your house keys! A friend of mine had a super trolley-thing that she put the bigger twin's carseat on so that she could wheel him around like a suitcase and carry the other twin. I would recommend getting the car seat bases, which go in your car so that you can just clip the car seats into place and off you go. No fannying around with seatbelts. I also really loved my pushchair with carseat adaptors, so that I could just clip the seats onto the pushchair frame and off I go. No need to disturb the babies, and really easy to do for a shopping trip.

Supermarket and twins: this can be a bit tricky. This is what I do: for a small shop I put the twins in the pushchair and carry a basket over my arm, putting heavier stuff in the bottom of the pushchair (and hopefully remembering to pay for it!!). For a larger shop you need to lock the babies in the car while you go and find a trolley. I don't really see any other way of doing it, unfortunately. I just try to find a trolley as quickly as possible and get back to the car before they are hysterical. If you are having trouble finding a trolley with 2 seats, get a car park attendant to find one for you, tell him where you are parked and get them to deliver the trolley to your car. Be assertive: you're the customer and you've got twins for goodness' sake!


Night times with twins: the big question people always ask me is whether my babies used to wake each other up. And the answer is..... sometimes. And sometimes not. I was always amazed when one was screaming their face off and the other was fast asleep, sometimes just inches away. In the early days I think they are able to tune each other out to a certain extent, so that they can sleep through each other's wailing. If mine both woke up at the same time it was more to do with them being in the same routine than anything. To get them into the same routine, you need to feed them at the same time, night and day. This means when one wakes up for a feed, you have to wake the other one as well. There's really no point feeding one, settling them, getting back into bed for 10 minutes, and then having to do the whole thing all over again with the second twin. My husband and I would decide before bed which baby we would look after during the night and we just got on with it. Really this is the biggest nighttime tip: doing it together. There are two babies, there are two parents - it has to be a team effort.


To deal with looking after twins you need a sensible plan of attack, as well as the ability to change the plan when it's no longer working. Make sure that rather than getting stressed and angry when things go wrong, you take a step back and look for a different way of doing things. Remember: it's all totally possible! I've kept mine alive for nearly 20 months now!

Tips, short-cuts and lowering your standards

Right, so you've had twins. There's a lot to do to keep the ship afloat and it's time to be realistic, starting with dropping your standards. Of course this doesn't mean allowing the babies to sit in their own filth for hours, but it does mean doing the absolute bare minimum in terms of household and twin maintenance, and certainly not beating yourself up if your standards of cleanliness take a serious dip.

Twin parents should not be ironing babygros, for example. There are, quite simply, more important things to do. Ditto changing nappies when they are a bit wet, doing a full change of clothes when they are a bit mucky, and changing an entire cot when sheets are a bit sicky. Make things easy for yourself and prioritise what really needs doing:

• I would only change dirty nappies straight away; wet ones should last a good few hours so only change them if the baby is a sleepy feeder and could do with a wake-up before or during a feed. Don't change nappies at all at night unless absolutely essential
• Clothes will get a bit dirty, but as long as it's not smelly and/or touching skin I wouldn't change them for purely aesthetic reasons. I have witnessed a mum change one twin who had been sick all over herself and then proceed to change the other, perfectly clean twin because their outfits no longer matched. Erm... what. are. you. doing?
• If a baby is sick in the cot move them to the other end. You can also lay them on a muslin in the cot or moses basket and change that each time, rather than the sheet. Quick, easy and you'll probably have more muslins in the house than cot sheets
• Babywipes are marvellous inventions and can be used to clean up a variety of ickiness. Think about whether you can wipe something so that it's clean-ish rather than chuck it in the wash

As well as dealing with keeping the babies vaguely clean, you also need to bear in mind that you might get slobbered, sicked, pooed and weed on throughout the course of the day. Dress simply in stuff that washes easily, use babywipes and keep muslins handy. When you move on to proper food I would wear patterned clothes as much as possible as they hide a multitude of purees.

You house is also going to get a bit of a beating, just at the time when you'll probably have loads of visitors. I promise you no one expects pristine, show-home cleanliness from a family who have just had twins. They will think you are marvellous just for being conscious. So what if there is washing everywhere? People visiting you in the early days should be your family and closest friends and therefore should not care. If you catch anyone frowning disapprovingly at the dust on your skirting boards, waving a baby in their direction should provide adequate distraction.

Limitations don't just relate to household stuff when you have twins. Simple activities like taking them swimming are doubly difficult and require double the adults. You might feel like you are lagging behind other parents in the race to do new activities with your little ones. Of the parents of twins I have met, the ones who seem to struggle the most with their new limitations are the ones who already have a child. This is because the standard has already been set and you would assume that things will be the same the second time around. And then that pesky egg splits or gets a fertilised mate and those plans go out of the window. Twin parents struggle to do things in the same way as they did with their singleton and get themselves into a bit of a guilt-ridden pickle.

For example, having two babies "sleeping" in your room at night is quite a different kettle of fish to one baby. They are very noisy: gurggling, groaning, snoring, thrashing about and of course, screaming their faces off. Often they set each other off as well. "Ship 'em out!" I hear you cry (which is what I did after 7 sleepless weeks), but if you had your previous child in with you for the recommended 6 months, then you might feel compelled to put up with the twins in your room for 6 months as well. I think having twins after having a singleton should wipe the slate clean, and parents shouldn't feel guilty for not doing everything exactly the same. Being realistic about what you can and cannot achieve is half the battle. 

There are a lot of differences between have one baby and having twins - the biggest being YOU'VE GOT TWINS!!! Anyone who says it can't be double the work is childless, or stupid, or both. It's exactly double the work because there are double the babies, which means your standards and expectations should be exactly half. I just hope my mother isn't reading this...

Breast is not necessarily best

The subject of breastfeeding has come up quite a lot over the last week, mainly because this month is a massive baby boom for seemingly everybody in my life. So I reckon its time to deal with some demons and get over the whole issue, starting with writing down my own experience.


I had decided that I would "see how it goes" with the feeding thing. This meant that I had read about feeding twins, researched some different approaches and bought a variety of equipment (breast pads, breastmilk freezer bags, bottles, steriliser, formula, breast pump). I had this romantic notion of breastfeeding one baby whilst feeding the other with a bottle of expressed milk and alternating at every feed. I don't think I fully appreciated the all-consuming nature of the early days of breastfeeding and just how determined you have to be to get it established.


Once I'd had my babies by emergency cesarean the midwives gave them to me one at a time and I offered them a feed. As I lost a lot of blood and it took some time to stabilise me this was in the recovery part of the operating theatre, approximately two hours after they were born. Neither baby was particularly interested in feeding. The next opportunity I had to feed them was the following day, so they were about 36 hours old, and they had been given formula through nasal tubes in Special Care. For the next 3 days and nights in hospital I tried to get each baby to latch on individually and then offered them a "top up" bottle of formula every 3 hours. On the last day a bright and cheery midwife pounced on my with a breast pump and told me we were "going to get my milk to come in today". I duly pumped for 15 minutes each side between feeds and over the course of the day produced a measly 1/2 ounce of yellow-ish dribble. I never saw the cheery midwife again.

So home we went and I continued trying to get each baby to latch on every 3 hours and then followed up with a bottle as I had been shown in hospital. I also used the breast pump in between feeds. One of my babies was quite good at latching on, but the other would just get crosser and crosser until we both admitted defeat. I don't really remember ever getting more than an ounce or so each time I expressed and I can't honestly say whether either baby actually managed to breastfeed properly at any point.

The feeding and expressing dwindled over the next few weeks as the babies got a bit more hungry (although they really only got in to the milk thing when they were around 10 months old!), until eventually I stopped altogether at about 8 weeks.

I have since found out that there were quite a few factors stacked against me as a successful breastfeeder:

• Cesarean section
• PPH (postpartum hemorrhage) - I lost 2.5 litres of blood in delivery
• Stress, pain and fatigue
• Supplementary feeding in Special Care
• Induction drugs
• Epidural drugs
• Lack of contact with babies immediately after birth
• Tongue tie (one of the twins had a membrane linking his tongue to the bottom of his mouth which made latching on difficult)

Who knew?!

So now I am left with the glorious "breastfeeding guilt" hangover, which is also deliciously linked to my traumatic birth experience and the difficult first few months bringing up newborn twins. No wonder I have flashbacks! I'm dealing with all this a bit at a time and writing about it certainly helps. Who needs a therapist when I can write bollocks and send it out into the ether?

I've looked at a few other blogs about this issue and one of the best I've seen is called Fearless Formula Feeder. She has gathered together some other mums' experiences, and the one below is heart-breakingly common:


"I grieved, and still do grieve, terribly that I couldn't breastfeed my baby. Every time I look at my breasts I am filled with regret and disgust at my own body's inability to do what comes so naturally, what should be so normal. I feel like my body betrayed me. Every time I glance at the pump still sitting in the nursery I am filled with a mix of emotions: anger, guilt, shame, and terrible grief. More than anything I am just SAD that nothing about my son's delivery, his eating, or first few weeks went as expected. I am envious of my friends who breastfeed with seemingly no problems, even after a few initial bumps. I despise envy in myself but I feel it, strongly."

Don't you just want to give her a hug?!

For me, there are three linked issues: having to have IVF, having to have a cesarean and not being able to breastfeed properly. The quote below sums up the impact of the three issues together:


"Women who have infertility issues do have higher rates of breastfeeding difficulties. Infertility plus a cesarean plus breastfeeding problems may be a devastating combination blow to the self-esteem. Breastfeeding problems may hit directly on their deepest fears that their bodies "just don't work right," and "can't be trusted." It may also impact deeply their concept of their own womanhood and femininity."

The common theme that runs through the majority of accounts from woman who suffered with breastfeeding difficulties is regret that they didn't recognise that things weren't working and make an early and informed decision to bottle feed. One mother said that she should have spent those precious early weeks holding her newborn rather than a breast pump. I really admire mothers who realise that the most important part of raising a baby is for both mother and baby to be content and relaxed. I would go further and say that the advantages of breastmilk are completely out-weighed by maternal misery and upset. I just don't think it's worth it.

The doctor quoted here talks a lot of sense:

"But it's important for women to realize that the benefit to baby must be balanced against the stress that is placed on the mother. Of course it is important for mothers to nurse their babies as much as they can for as long as they can, but each mother must be encouraged to do what is best for the mother-child pair as a unit, and sometimes this may mean weaning. Sometimes the baby needs the mommy sane and happy more than he needs breastmilk. If you eventually gave up breastfeeding or pumping because it became too stressful, understand that you made the decision that you had to, and that nurturing your baby emotionally is always more important than its feeding method. "

The big question is how I would feed if I ever had another baby (not that this is in any way in my immediate plans! Strictly hyperthetical). I suppose I would still like to try breastfeeding, even if it only lasted the initial couple of days. I reckon the key time is around day 4-5: at this time the colostrum is finishing and it's what my sister affectionately calls "Jordon Day". Your boobs are massive, hot and painful, feeding becomes difficult, fatigue is setting in, the adreneline from the birth is wearing off and your baby seems to want to feed for hours at a time. If you push through this you come out the other side then feeding is generally established and becomes second nature. However, if pushing through this makes you wish you were dead it's time to stop and reach for the formula. As much as I would hope to breastfeed next time, I equally hope that I recognise when enough's enough.

Mum-friends

Before I had the twins the whole notion of making friends with someone just because you both have babies was a total mystery to me. It seemed a tad shallow and I wondered if there was really enough to talk about when you appear to have so little in common. It's only when I started meeting other twin mums that I realised the importance of having a network of people around so that you can build a new social life.

In short; I no longer go on nights out to bars, restaurants, the cinema, concerts (I've never been cool enough to call them "gigs"), or anything that involves me being on my own with a drink in my hand. When you have children the brutal truth is that things change. Before you hit me with a chorus of "go on a night out then! He can look after the children! Let your hair down!" - let me tell you that guilt, unfortunately, comes with the mum package, as does an inability to forget that you're going to have to spring out of bed at 6am, hangover or no hangover. So basically nights out are a thing of the past. Luckily for those of you who are watching the pennies you can direct all the money you used to spend on, well, basically yourself, to all those baby essentials, so having a baby pretty much costs nothing. Hurrah!

So, no social life then. Or at least not as I had previous known it. To avoid wailing uncontrollably into a muslin and wiping my tears on a (hopefully clean) nappy, but also to have a reason to apply make-up, I realised that I had to build a new, daytime social life around the needs of two very small babies. Playgroups are literally everywhere if you look for them: at children's centres, schools, nurseries, church halls, scout huts and coffee shops. Swapping cocktails for tea and biscuits sounds depressing, but it's really lovely to be in a space that is set up for babies, along with changing facilities and sympathetic fellow mums to moan to. The lovely thing about playgroups that are set up for multiples is that I frequently found a mum with slightly older twins who would jump to carry a heavy carseat for me, feed a baby, wipe a nose and generally give me a welcome hand. No one gets it like a twin mum. As well as being a healthy place for you to meet people and let off steam, these groups are also really good for your children because they go to new places, see other children and get to play with different, often quite dirty, toys.

Mr R seems to think that these groups are set up purely for the purpose of husband-hating discussions about how crap men are. I'm not going to lie: the subject does come up, but the boys shouldn't flatter themselves that that's our only topic of conversation. We also talk about baby poo and w(h)ine. Anyway, wouldn't your baby-daddy prefer us to let off steam to our mum friends rather than blast him with it the moment he comes home from work? Better still; sometimes we will go to a playgroup seething about something he has/hasn't done, only to realise whilst listening to the woes of fellow mum that our fella really isn't that bad.

Quite simply there is no one better placed to understand exactly what you are dealing with than someone who is dealing with exactly the same thing. To be honest, at first, I wasn't even particularly interested in meeting mums with a single baby the same age as my two. Singleton mums made me jealous with their compact pushchairs, easy-breezy breastfeeding and spare hand. I wanted to talk to people who had had twins and I found a couple of friends before I had my babies through TAMBA (Twin and Multiple Birth Association) who ran a seminar for multiple parents-to-be. We swapped emails and met up a few times before our babies arrived, which was lovely because I had people I could talk to straight away after the birth. Knowing that there were other people doing this scary thing and surviving was quite reassuring. Meeting up with them was a safe start to getting out with my babies in the very early days, before I felt brave enough to join a baby group, which I did when they were around 3 months old.

If you're not really a "playgroup person" (and quite honestly, who is?) then you need to join a few groups and steal the best people to be your new friends. I used to casually drop the words "pinot grigio" into conversation and see who pricked up their ears. One you find someone on your wavelength arrange to meet outside of the group, even if it's just for a walk, and you'll be swapping weaning tips and sleepless night stories before you know it.

Of course, not everyone you meet will be your cup of tea. I remember a mum who offered to help feed one of my twins made a song and dance about never having given a baby a bottle as she exclusively breastfed her twins for a year and they went straight "from breast to beaker". Good for her. Bet she doesn't drink pinot grigio either.

One for the boys Part II

Hi there.  I'm the other half of the rambling twin mum.  Much of what I'm about to say feels a tad delicate, but hopefully you can read between the lines of some of it. The content of my advice for my pre-paternal self seems like it is centred around damage limitation - and it sort of is to some degree - but when you look back on the most surreal phase of your life it somehow doesn't seem as bad.

With the pregnancy and birth side of things, I'm not sure I have much more to offer than what has already been said.  To be honest, at this point, none of your work has really started yet.  I found the pregnancy phase quite fun.  There is the obvious excitement, the opportunity to make an unoriginal but still hilarious joke about your wife's figure, the insincere sympathy and the unsuccessful efforts to make her feel comfortable.  With the birth, try not to get too excited too early as it takes a while.  There is a lot of sitting around, broken up by the occasional fetching of a drink etc.  And even though you may have spent the last three nights sleeping in a chair, the effect that this has had on your lower back is not something worth discussing in the delivery suite.

After the birth

This is the time when you're really winging it.  But you mustn't let it show, especially with twins when you have nowhere to hide.  You somehow have to find the right balance between following you're wife's instructions (usually to the letter) and thinking proactively of what needs doing next.  A trap I think men can easily fall into is to never be the one to suggest an idea, and assume that intrinsic maternal knowledge trumps anything you have to offer by some distance.  The truth is that your wife is as new and clueless to a lot of things as you are.  And in some instances, she will perhaps feel more pressure to find the solution because she ought  to know.  One of the things my wife has recently said to me (all through the lens of hindsight of course) is how much she appreciated me taking the lead on some things and assertively telling her what she needed to do at times when she couldn't think straight. But like I said, it is a balance, and a fine one at that.

Now this may come as a surprise to you, but your wife will be a tad more highly strung in the first few days and months... well pretty much the first year to be truthful.  The trick is to not compare her current character traits to anything you have experienced from her previously.  And reminding her of how 'fun loving' she used to be is not helpful.  Similarly, taking personal offence to her tone of voice is something that is easily done in the heat of the moment (after all, does she not appreciate how hard I'm working, at work and at home? And does she not realise how I don't deserve to be spoken to like this?)  But articulating these thoughts is not helpful.  Not helpful at all.

To continue this theme, there will also be occasions when you are managing to perform a baby task in a manner that you believe to be perfectly acceptable.  And it probably is.  However, you are not doing it in the precise way in which your wife likes to do it.  So, inevitably you get told you're doing it wrong.  Now, at this point you have two choices.  You can either suck it up, mumble an apology, and make a mediocre effort to follow what you now discover is a 'simple instruction'.  Or you stick to your guns; you use your skills in logical reasoning to explain to your dearly beloved that there are alternative methods that could be employed here, and that if she in turn were to employ some lateral thinking, there could also be a whole number of other tasks that could be made more efficient with a few gentle tweaks in technique.  I'm not saying that either of these approaches is the 'right one'.  With the former, you run the risk of allowing a precedent to set in where you play the role of incapable incoherent 'man' in all such future scenarios (and uphold a stereotype that probably forms the number one topic in Mum to Mum conversations); and with the latter you lose.  I'm not too sure how, but you definitely do.  So the choice is yours.  There probably is a middle-ground somewhere, but I'm not too sure if finding it will have any affect on the outcome.

With regards to baby care, you'll probably find that most of the jobs (nappy changing, bathing etc.) are not as difficult as you first thought.  You'll think at some point that you could potentially do anything if only you could get some sleep.  Twins tend to wake each other up, so be prepared for both of you to be up most of the night for the first few months.  The other thing you'll find is that there will be a point when you become immune to the sound of babies crying.  It will feel like you don't have enough hands to manage one baby, and because of this, the other one will probably be left crying for long periods of time.  So blot it out, it's just noise.  After all, what's the worst that could possibly happen?

One for the Boys: Part 1

I'm going to have a guest blogger this week; my (long-suffering) husband will be writing about his experience of twin parenthood. Before he does so, just a few pointers from the female perspective for you Dads-to-be:

During Pregnancy
People won't want to talk to you much these days. They want to talk to your missus and your role seems to be standing there, nodding along and smiling ruefully as you try to look like you're interested, involved and not like other men. People also say really stupid and sometimes hurtful things to pregnant women, especially where multiples are concerned. Smile and nod and move your lady on as quickly as possible before she cries.

She'll cry quite a lot and it's really not (usually) about you or something you've done. My husband went out of his way to make me tasty meals to tempt me out of my morning sickness hell, and was understandably tad miffed when I would burst into tears at the table. It wasn't about him; it was hormones and wanting beans on toast, rather than seared tuna on a bed of wilted spinach with a soy jus.

Be nice about how she looks, but always be honest. You are more valuable than a mirror for her as you can see all the angles. If something she's wearing is too short for goodness sakes TELL HER. She'll probably cry, but thank you later.

During Labour
You need to educate yourself enough about this process to ensure that you're not having to ask her questions while she's in the throes of it all. This is a balance though - no woman in labour likes a know-it-all telling her she can't really be in that much pain as she's only 2cms and she's still got 8cms more to go. I've been there: trust me, it hurts.

Your main responsibilities will be:

• making sure you know the way to the hospital and whether certain entrances will be closed at night
• ensuring you have change for the car park if needed
• packing a bag for yourself, including a spare t-shirt, boxers and socks, ipod (or something quiet to do), phone and charger, camera and charger, a non-perishable picnic (she will get fed, you won't)
• keeping an eye on the time and updating the midwife when she asks (e.g. how far apart the contractions are, how long she's been biting on your lapel)
• entertaining and distracting your wife in the early stages
• fetching water
• getting a midwife when she screams at you to do so
• making sure if she wants to sit in the chair that you are not asleep in it
• keeping quiet if you stub your toe/trap your finger/pull a nose hair out. No one is interested in your pain
• disregarding insults thrown your way (or total lack of communication. I didn't even manage to make eye contact with my husband for 24 hours)
• maintaining a calm and composed exterior even if you feel like legging it

After the Birth
Make sure that you get some sleep as soon as you possibly can. You need to be on your game over the next few days and you can't do that if you've been up all night tweeting about your new baby. Time to be sensible. On the subject of social media - by all means post pictures of the baby, but check first before posting any that include its mum. The last thing she needs after giving birth is a bedraggled photo featuring her boob to go viral.

If you get any time at home before they are discharged get the house ready. Open boxes of nappies and wipes, take tags off babygros, get the heating/hot water on, have a general tidy up, put the moses basket in the living room. Make sure there is tea, coffee, milk and bread. If there aren't any ready meals in the freezer get some.

Early Days
You will get loads of visitors in the first few days. Your job is gatekeeper and they first have to get past you. You may need to be firm with well-meaning family and friends who want to come over at an inconvenient time, or (my personal favourite) the ones who just won't go. Be strong and say no. Even to your own mother.

If your wife is breastfeeding this is the part where you can feel quite left out as it's pretty much a full-time job, but there's so much that you can do to help. Even something as simple as getting your wife something to eat or drink every time she feeds. Just a glass of water if that's all she wants (breastfeeding makes you really thirsty). This will ensure that she eats and drinks consistently throughout the day, which is absolutely essential for a decent milk supply. You can also put a DVD on for her to watch, get her mobile so she can chat with a friend, or just sit and have a cuddle with both (or all 3!) of them. If she is worried about feeding or finds it difficult it's your job to make sure she talks to someone (midwife, health visitor, breastfeeding expert, her mum).



Overall; don't worry and don't piss her off.

Another of my Lists

I think I've done a post like this before... can't remember....so... here's another!!

Stuff I've learnt since becoming a mum:

• A toddler will do pretty much anything for a biscuit
• Crying doesn't hurt babies. Just parents
• You know how at weddings there's always someone at the back out of earshot jiggling a baby? That's me that is
• It's perfectly acceptable to wash your hair twice a week. If that
• It is possible to be manically busy and bored to death at the same time
• Dummies and television are necessary evils. Necessary if you ever fancy having a poo
• A muslin under a sickly baby's head will reduce the need to change the entire cot puke-by-puke
• Getting ready for work does not take an hour. Or even 15 minutes. And can be done largely in the car
• I am a naturally pessimistic person. My husband is naturally optimistic. This is a good thing
• I can do a lot more than I think I can
• Remote controls, old mobile phones and computer keyboards make the best toys
• You are allowed to wake your baby up for a feed. It's your baby
• I will always, always look just a little bit pregnant
• There are times when only a long scream into a pillow is going to make me feel better
• The only people who understand about having twins are people who have twins
• Guilt and motherhood go hand-in-hand. I don't know why, but that's the rule
• Polishing off your children's meals is your right as their mother
• Newborn twins settle better in the same cot
• It is possible to bounce one baby in a bouncy chair, whilst the other baby is strapped to your chest and eat a piece of chocolate cake at the same time. Fact
• Days out are never as bad as you think they are going to be (it's the ones you think are going to be a breeze that you need to worry about)
• Fresh air and caffeine can heal a sleep-deprived mind
• A double buggy that is comfortable for your babies is more important than one that looks pretty
• Don't start rocking your baby to sleep if you don't want to be still rocking them when they are two
• When things get fractious between you and your husband, stop and have a cuddle

I'm hoping I've learnt more than that, but that's all I can think of at the moment! Maybe some life-altering epiphany will occur to me as I gaze at my sleeping angels in their cots tonight... Or maybe I'll be downstairs chugging wine and writing self-indulgent blog posts instead; who knows?

The Myth of "Me Time"

Along with the acres of unsolicited advice random people gave me while I was pregnant about how to look after twins, they also kept insisting that I had to somehow find "Me Time" once I was a mother. So as well as the feeding, changing, burping, dressing, un-dressing, finger/toenail trimming, entertaining, educating and idolising I had to do with my babies, I was also meant to find a regular slot where I would have a glass of Pinot Grigio in a candlelit bubble bath. Riiiiiiight.......

Me Time is a myth. It was invented by childless magazine editors with (at best) a fragile grip on reality. Show me a mum who paints her nails whilst reading magazines and getting a weekly spray tan and I'll show you a bus load who take their kids to McDonalds four times a week.

Tracy Engelbrecht, a single mum of two, sums it up perfectly in her book "The Girl Who Couldn't Say No: Memoir of a Teenage Mum":

"Me Time is a lovely idea if you have a nanny, a couple of housekeepers and pots of money. And a husband preferably. If you have none of the above, an hour of Me Time a day simply becomes one more chore to add to your list. One more thing you have to fret over, when you fall into bed exhausted at midnight and scroll through the list of tasks you should have completed that day.
I've given up on the idea of special time set aside just for me, time when my children must bugger off and leave me to read Jodi Picoult, or do Pilates, or whatever takes my fancy this month.... It simply doesn't work for me. A boozy bubble bath equates to one load of washing plus hanging time, or half a Barbie DVD with popcorn, or getting to bed half an hour earlier to drool unprettily onto my pillow. Honestly, which one are you going to choose? Who likes bubble bath that much, anyway?
What works for me is grabbing five minutes whenever I can to sit and stare into space, even if it means tuning out, for just one extra minute, plaintive cries from the bathroom of "Mummy! Come wipe my bum!"... My Me Time doesn't have a special name or a special time slot. I take it when and where I can get it, and I don't feel like a failure. Now that's progress."

Of all the things to feel guilty about, not "making time for yourself" has to be the most ludicrous. I'm with Tracy on this one. My Me Time involves standing under the shower for 30 extra seconds when strictly speaking I've finished the essentials. Or giving the twins a (healthy) ready-made dinner so that I can just sit on the floor with them for 5 minutes longer. Work is, I suppose, also Me Time, mainly because it involves the luxury of actually drinking a hot cup of tea from start to finish. Small things that aren't related to being a mum.

Of course parents who are able to pamper themselves, go out for boozy lunches, travel, shop and retain a fabulous lifestyle do exist and this feeds into one of my biggest irritations - namely rich/famous people professing how much they love being a parent when it's abundantly clear that they do none of the actual parenting. I remember throwing a copy of Hello across the room when it featured an interview with Elton John about his new son, born around the same time as my twins. He was gushing about what a joy it was to be a father, whereas I had been in and out of bed around 40 times that night before giving up at 5am and dragging my weary, crumpled, down-trodden self downstairs (with babies, of course: I am never alone) to wash and sterilise 12 bottles, change numerous nappies and search fruitlessly through piles of crap for two clean babygrows. Admittedly I was not in the mood to hear about how great babies are, but I found it frankly insulting that this man could equate what he was doing with what I was doing. We're both parents, right? Well, no, actually; not if you have a nanny, a night-nanny, cook, chauffeur, cleaning staff and a medical team to deal with one infant.

The paradox is that if I won the lottery today I would march out and hire a childcare team before the last ball had dropped. The mansion, sports car, yacht and Caribbean island can wait.

Useless Stuff You Don't Need

I recently saw a product on Amazon and I'll still coming to terms with: a) the fact that it exists, and b) that anyone has awarded it average of 4 stars.


OK, so (deep breath to control the rage) - it's a baby wipes warmer. And it's £24.99!!!! Now I've heard and seen some utterly useless baby products before, but this takes the biscuit and gets my goat all in one go. Not only is it an unnecessary piece of rubbish you do NOT need cluttering up your home, but it preys on the worries, fears and insecurities of new parents and parents-to-be in a quite spectacular fashion. The marketing of such a product seems to taunt us and pull at our guilt strings with mental images of screaming, red-faced, bare-bottomed infants being violated with icy-cold wipes: "Don't you love your baby enough to warm his wipes?"


My question, to echo one of the more down-to-earth reviewers, is: if you are worried about the temperature of a babywipe, I shudder to think what else you're paralysed with guilt about. What happens when you start thinking about the cost of university? Or global warming? Does your head explode?


These are some other items I found pretty useless:

• Changing stations - look pretty, never used.
• Changing bag - so expensive, with loads of pockets you won't use. Buy a nice, big bag or use the free one from Boots' Parenting Club.
• Overly stimulating toys - I don't have anything exept teddies in their cots. An Ipod and speakers in the room is good at first.
• Baby monitors with two-way speakers - these scare the CRAP out of children!!!!!
• Baby wardrobes - I have started hanging some bits up, but only because I've started having to iron the odd thing. Pointless for babies.
• Playpen - use a travel cot.
• Moses basket - controvertial or what??!! I used the carrycots off my pushchair instead.
• Shoes for babies that can't even crawl - don't get me started!!

Other top useless buys are:

• breast milk freezer storage bags
• a mouli (for baby food)
• cot bumper
• baby towels (why does the baby have to have a triangle on its head?)
• baby nail scissors (use clippers instead)
• snot remover (they just don't work. They only one that works is the one where you suck it out with a tube)
• top and tail bowl (I don't know anyone who actually does this, let alone uses a special bowl)
• bottle warmer
• bath thermometer (use your elbow)
• bath seat
• breastfeeding scarf (this is a pashmina, no?)
• pre-packed hospital bag
• nappy disposal system (use a small bin and empty it every day. Nothing can disguise the smell of 30 dirty nappies).

The difficult thing about preparing to have your baby is that you feel that you have to have everything 100% ready before the big event. In actual fact you just need to have enough of everything to get through the first few days. After that you will be looking for reasons to leave the house, so popping to Mothercare (where they have a feeding room and changing facilities) turns into a lovely family day out.

These are the things I reckon you need beforehand:

• size 1 nappies - the hospital will not provide nappies and a newborn can go through 12 in 24 hours 
• babywipes - packets and packets. You'll need them and they don't have a use-by date
• babygros and vests (aka bodysuits) - newborn and 0-3 months in case you have a whopper
• hat
• cardigan
• small cellular blankets - although I accidentally stole quite a few from the hospital!
• carseat - can't take the baby home without one!
• pushchair/pram
• dummies - I know, I know...
• maternity sanitary pads - LOADS! Even if you have a cesarean
• ready meals

 Right, I'm off to write a scathing review on Amazon for a product I do not own.

Keen to Wean

It always amazed me how keen on weaning people were. Everyone I met with new babies seemed to want to start as soon as possible, and I was a bit of an oddity because I wanted to put it off for as long as possible. I had really mixed feelings about the whole thing; mainly I felt that it was just going to be even more work and I couldn't fathom how I was going to fit anything else into my already bursting day. Meanwhile I was meeting other mums who had already bought special bowls, special spoons, fancy freezer trays, a second steriliser, plastic bibs, a moulee (don't ask), a blender, travelling cutlery case, a steamer, high chairs and a kitchen extension in which to fit everything.

All this makes you think that weaning is a really complicated thing to do, whereas in fact all it is is slowly introducing your baby to stuff that's ever-so-slightly more solid than milk. That's it.

I started at 6 months. I really don't think babies are ready before this. Obviously if you are advised to start earlier then fine, but if not waiting until they are ready will significantly reduce your stress levels as they are more likely to get the hang of it quicker. I picked a time of the day when my babies weren't too tired or hungry to give it a go. Because my routine meant that I had a long gap of not doing much between their post-nap feed at 2:30pm and their bath at 6pm, I decided to do a "tea time" solid feed at around 5pm. This also meant that I didn't care if they got really messy as it was the end of the day and the next thing on the agenda was a bath anyway.

I just gave mine a couple of spoons of baby rice at this time each day for about 2 weeks. I started off giving them this in their bouncy chairs and then I moved them into bumbos because they are wipe clean! Once I had bought highchairs they went in these (and we took loads of photos). All you are aiming for at first is a tiny amount to go down and for them to get used to the texture as well as the spoon. After two weeks I started giving the babies food to hold and "chew" on (my daughter didn't have any teeth at the time, but managed it somehow!). The sorts of things I gave them to play with were pieces of red pepper, cheese, toast, breadstick, pitta (toasted otherwise it falls apart), rice cakes and cucumber. Around this time as well I started making purees with basic fruits like pears and introducing a tiny bit into the baby rice. Gradually you decrease the baby rice until they are having just the fruit.

Then comes the exciting bit - filling your freezer! Although you really don't need any special equipment for weaning, but I would recommend a freezer, microwave and hand-blender. Making baby food is really straight forward; you boil and blend whatever vegetable you want and then pour it into a freezer tray. Once it's frozen you pop all the cubes out into a labelled freezer bag. And no; you don't need to sterilise your pan! At first you will only need to defrost 1 cube, but as your baby's appetite increases you can defrost more, or give them a veg cube followed by a fruit. The next bit is almost like cooking! You can start combining your cubes to make thrilling-sounding concoctions like Root Vegetable Medley (carrot, butternut squash and swede) or Apple Surprise (apple, dried apricot and cinnamon).

The best book is the Annabel Karmel one which has loads of recipes and ideas of combinations I would never have come up with. My favourite (and my babies') was avocado and banana. No cooking required! Genius!

You really don't need to worry about dropping any milk feeds until they are well established on solids. Then you can feed them the solids first, with a top-up milk feed afterwards in case they are still hungry. My routine meant that:

06:45 this feed became breakfast

10:45 this feed gradually dropped back to around 11:30 and became lunch

14:30 I continued with this milk feed until the babies were about 10 months and didn't want it any more and I replaced it with a snack and drink

17:00 tea

18:30 milk feed before bed

I think the main thing about starting solids is to wait until they are ready, do it gradually and be patient.

The shining light at the end of the tunnel is that once they are established on solids, including protein for some reason, they are much more likely to sleep through the night, if they haven't done so so far. Mine miraculously started sleeping without waking for 11 hours as soon as they were having 3 solid meals a day. I didn't even have to drug the food!