Tips, short-cuts and lowering your standards

Right, so you've had twins. There's a lot to do to keep the ship afloat and it's time to be realistic, starting with dropping your standards. Of course this doesn't mean allowing the babies to sit in their own filth for hours, but it does mean doing the absolute bare minimum in terms of household and twin maintenance, and certainly not beating yourself up if your standards of cleanliness take a serious dip.

Twin parents should not be ironing babygros, for example. There are, quite simply, more important things to do. Ditto changing nappies when they are a bit wet, doing a full change of clothes when they are a bit mucky, and changing an entire cot when sheets are a bit sicky. Make things easy for yourself and prioritise what really needs doing:

• I would only change dirty nappies straight away; wet ones should last a good few hours so only change them if the baby is a sleepy feeder and could do with a wake-up before or during a feed. Don't change nappies at all at night unless absolutely essential
• Clothes will get a bit dirty, but as long as it's not smelly and/or touching skin I wouldn't change them for purely aesthetic reasons. I have witnessed a mum change one twin who had been sick all over herself and then proceed to change the other, perfectly clean twin because their outfits no longer matched. Erm... what. are. you. doing?
• If a baby is sick in the cot move them to the other end. You can also lay them on a muslin in the cot or moses basket and change that each time, rather than the sheet. Quick, easy and you'll probably have more muslins in the house than cot sheets
• Babywipes are marvellous inventions and can be used to clean up a variety of ickiness. Think about whether you can wipe something so that it's clean-ish rather than chuck it in the wash

As well as dealing with keeping the babies vaguely clean, you also need to bear in mind that you might get slobbered, sicked, pooed and weed on throughout the course of the day. Dress simply in stuff that washes easily, use babywipes and keep muslins handy. When you move on to proper food I would wear patterned clothes as much as possible as they hide a multitude of purees.

You house is also going to get a bit of a beating, just at the time when you'll probably have loads of visitors. I promise you no one expects pristine, show-home cleanliness from a family who have just had twins. They will think you are marvellous just for being conscious. So what if there is washing everywhere? People visiting you in the early days should be your family and closest friends and therefore should not care. If you catch anyone frowning disapprovingly at the dust on your skirting boards, waving a baby in their direction should provide adequate distraction.

Limitations don't just relate to household stuff when you have twins. Simple activities like taking them swimming are doubly difficult and require double the adults. You might feel like you are lagging behind other parents in the race to do new activities with your little ones. Of the parents of twins I have met, the ones who seem to struggle the most with their new limitations are the ones who already have a child. This is because the standard has already been set and you would assume that things will be the same the second time around. And then that pesky egg splits or gets a fertilised mate and those plans go out of the window. Twin parents struggle to do things in the same way as they did with their singleton and get themselves into a bit of a guilt-ridden pickle.

For example, having two babies "sleeping" in your room at night is quite a different kettle of fish to one baby. They are very noisy: gurggling, groaning, snoring, thrashing about and of course, screaming their faces off. Often they set each other off as well. "Ship 'em out!" I hear you cry (which is what I did after 7 sleepless weeks), but if you had your previous child in with you for the recommended 6 months, then you might feel compelled to put up with the twins in your room for 6 months as well. I think having twins after having a singleton should wipe the slate clean, and parents shouldn't feel guilty for not doing everything exactly the same. Being realistic about what you can and cannot achieve is half the battle. 

There are a lot of differences between have one baby and having twins - the biggest being YOU'VE GOT TWINS!!! Anyone who says it can't be double the work is childless, or stupid, or both. It's exactly double the work because there are double the babies, which means your standards and expectations should be exactly half. I just hope my mother isn't reading this...

Breast is not necessarily best

The subject of breastfeeding has come up quite a lot over the last week, mainly because this month is a massive baby boom for seemingly everybody in my life. So I reckon its time to deal with some demons and get over the whole issue, starting with writing down my own experience.


I had decided that I would "see how it goes" with the feeding thing. This meant that I had read about feeding twins, researched some different approaches and bought a variety of equipment (breast pads, breastmilk freezer bags, bottles, steriliser, formula, breast pump). I had this romantic notion of breastfeeding one baby whilst feeding the other with a bottle of expressed milk and alternating at every feed. I don't think I fully appreciated the all-consuming nature of the early days of breastfeeding and just how determined you have to be to get it established.


Once I'd had my babies by emergency cesarean the midwives gave them to me one at a time and I offered them a feed. As I lost a lot of blood and it took some time to stabilise me this was in the recovery part of the operating theatre, approximately two hours after they were born. Neither baby was particularly interested in feeding. The next opportunity I had to feed them was the following day, so they were about 36 hours old, and they had been given formula through nasal tubes in Special Care. For the next 3 days and nights in hospital I tried to get each baby to latch on individually and then offered them a "top up" bottle of formula every 3 hours. On the last day a bright and cheery midwife pounced on my with a breast pump and told me we were "going to get my milk to come in today". I duly pumped for 15 minutes each side between feeds and over the course of the day produced a measly 1/2 ounce of yellow-ish dribble. I never saw the cheery midwife again.

So home we went and I continued trying to get each baby to latch on every 3 hours and then followed up with a bottle as I had been shown in hospital. I also used the breast pump in between feeds. One of my babies was quite good at latching on, but the other would just get crosser and crosser until we both admitted defeat. I don't really remember ever getting more than an ounce or so each time I expressed and I can't honestly say whether either baby actually managed to breastfeed properly at any point.

The feeding and expressing dwindled over the next few weeks as the babies got a bit more hungry (although they really only got in to the milk thing when they were around 10 months old!), until eventually I stopped altogether at about 8 weeks.

I have since found out that there were quite a few factors stacked against me as a successful breastfeeder:

• Cesarean section
• PPH (postpartum hemorrhage) - I lost 2.5 litres of blood in delivery
• Stress, pain and fatigue
• Supplementary feeding in Special Care
• Induction drugs
• Epidural drugs
• Lack of contact with babies immediately after birth
• Tongue tie (one of the twins had a membrane linking his tongue to the bottom of his mouth which made latching on difficult)

Who knew?!

So now I am left with the glorious "breastfeeding guilt" hangover, which is also deliciously linked to my traumatic birth experience and the difficult first few months bringing up newborn twins. No wonder I have flashbacks! I'm dealing with all this a bit at a time and writing about it certainly helps. Who needs a therapist when I can write bollocks and send it out into the ether?

I've looked at a few other blogs about this issue and one of the best I've seen is called Fearless Formula Feeder. She has gathered together some other mums' experiences, and the one below is heart-breakingly common:


"I grieved, and still do grieve, terribly that I couldn't breastfeed my baby. Every time I look at my breasts I am filled with regret and disgust at my own body's inability to do what comes so naturally, what should be so normal. I feel like my body betrayed me. Every time I glance at the pump still sitting in the nursery I am filled with a mix of emotions: anger, guilt, shame, and terrible grief. More than anything I am just SAD that nothing about my son's delivery, his eating, or first few weeks went as expected. I am envious of my friends who breastfeed with seemingly no problems, even after a few initial bumps. I despise envy in myself but I feel it, strongly."

Don't you just want to give her a hug?!

For me, there are three linked issues: having to have IVF, having to have a cesarean and not being able to breastfeed properly. The quote below sums up the impact of the three issues together:


"Women who have infertility issues do have higher rates of breastfeeding difficulties. Infertility plus a cesarean plus breastfeeding problems may be a devastating combination blow to the self-esteem. Breastfeeding problems may hit directly on their deepest fears that their bodies "just don't work right," and "can't be trusted." It may also impact deeply their concept of their own womanhood and femininity."

The common theme that runs through the majority of accounts from woman who suffered with breastfeeding difficulties is regret that they didn't recognise that things weren't working and make an early and informed decision to bottle feed. One mother said that she should have spent those precious early weeks holding her newborn rather than a breast pump. I really admire mothers who realise that the most important part of raising a baby is for both mother and baby to be content and relaxed. I would go further and say that the advantages of breastmilk are completely out-weighed by maternal misery and upset. I just don't think it's worth it.

The doctor quoted here talks a lot of sense:

"But it's important for women to realize that the benefit to baby must be balanced against the stress that is placed on the mother. Of course it is important for mothers to nurse their babies as much as they can for as long as they can, but each mother must be encouraged to do what is best for the mother-child pair as a unit, and sometimes this may mean weaning. Sometimes the baby needs the mommy sane and happy more than he needs breastmilk. If you eventually gave up breastfeeding or pumping because it became too stressful, understand that you made the decision that you had to, and that nurturing your baby emotionally is always more important than its feeding method. "

The big question is how I would feed if I ever had another baby (not that this is in any way in my immediate plans! Strictly hyperthetical). I suppose I would still like to try breastfeeding, even if it only lasted the initial couple of days. I reckon the key time is around day 4-5: at this time the colostrum is finishing and it's what my sister affectionately calls "Jordon Day". Your boobs are massive, hot and painful, feeding becomes difficult, fatigue is setting in, the adreneline from the birth is wearing off and your baby seems to want to feed for hours at a time. If you push through this you come out the other side then feeding is generally established and becomes second nature. However, if pushing through this makes you wish you were dead it's time to stop and reach for the formula. As much as I would hope to breastfeed next time, I equally hope that I recognise when enough's enough.

Mum-friends

Before I had the twins the whole notion of making friends with someone just because you both have babies was a total mystery to me. It seemed a tad shallow and I wondered if there was really enough to talk about when you appear to have so little in common. It's only when I started meeting other twin mums that I realised the importance of having a network of people around so that you can build a new social life.

In short; I no longer go on nights out to bars, restaurants, the cinema, concerts (I've never been cool enough to call them "gigs"), or anything that involves me being on my own with a drink in my hand. When you have children the brutal truth is that things change. Before you hit me with a chorus of "go on a night out then! He can look after the children! Let your hair down!" - let me tell you that guilt, unfortunately, comes with the mum package, as does an inability to forget that you're going to have to spring out of bed at 6am, hangover or no hangover. So basically nights out are a thing of the past. Luckily for those of you who are watching the pennies you can direct all the money you used to spend on, well, basically yourself, to all those baby essentials, so having a baby pretty much costs nothing. Hurrah!

So, no social life then. Or at least not as I had previous known it. To avoid wailing uncontrollably into a muslin and wiping my tears on a (hopefully clean) nappy, but also to have a reason to apply make-up, I realised that I had to build a new, daytime social life around the needs of two very small babies. Playgroups are literally everywhere if you look for them: at children's centres, schools, nurseries, church halls, scout huts and coffee shops. Swapping cocktails for tea and biscuits sounds depressing, but it's really lovely to be in a space that is set up for babies, along with changing facilities and sympathetic fellow mums to moan to. The lovely thing about playgroups that are set up for multiples is that I frequently found a mum with slightly older twins who would jump to carry a heavy carseat for me, feed a baby, wipe a nose and generally give me a welcome hand. No one gets it like a twin mum. As well as being a healthy place for you to meet people and let off steam, these groups are also really good for your children because they go to new places, see other children and get to play with different, often quite dirty, toys.

Mr R seems to think that these groups are set up purely for the purpose of husband-hating discussions about how crap men are. I'm not going to lie: the subject does come up, but the boys shouldn't flatter themselves that that's our only topic of conversation. We also talk about baby poo and w(h)ine. Anyway, wouldn't your baby-daddy prefer us to let off steam to our mum friends rather than blast him with it the moment he comes home from work? Better still; sometimes we will go to a playgroup seething about something he has/hasn't done, only to realise whilst listening to the woes of fellow mum that our fella really isn't that bad.

Quite simply there is no one better placed to understand exactly what you are dealing with than someone who is dealing with exactly the same thing. To be honest, at first, I wasn't even particularly interested in meeting mums with a single baby the same age as my two. Singleton mums made me jealous with their compact pushchairs, easy-breezy breastfeeding and spare hand. I wanted to talk to people who had had twins and I found a couple of friends before I had my babies through TAMBA (Twin and Multiple Birth Association) who ran a seminar for multiple parents-to-be. We swapped emails and met up a few times before our babies arrived, which was lovely because I had people I could talk to straight away after the birth. Knowing that there were other people doing this scary thing and surviving was quite reassuring. Meeting up with them was a safe start to getting out with my babies in the very early days, before I felt brave enough to join a baby group, which I did when they were around 3 months old.

If you're not really a "playgroup person" (and quite honestly, who is?) then you need to join a few groups and steal the best people to be your new friends. I used to casually drop the words "pinot grigio" into conversation and see who pricked up their ears. One you find someone on your wavelength arrange to meet outside of the group, even if it's just for a walk, and you'll be swapping weaning tips and sleepless night stories before you know it.

Of course, not everyone you meet will be your cup of tea. I remember a mum who offered to help feed one of my twins made a song and dance about never having given a baby a bottle as she exclusively breastfed her twins for a year and they went straight "from breast to beaker". Good for her. Bet she doesn't drink pinot grigio either.